Some days it is hard being a priest, a religious! Now I know that everyone can say that. It is hard some days being a mother, father, wife, husband, teacher and so on. All vocations and professions in life have their upsides and downsides, there good days and bad days, I understand that. However, it is still hard being a priest and religious some days!
I do not say this because I have a crisis with my vocation after 30 plus years, I say it because some days I wake up and someone or some aspect of my faith, my church, my religious life has made being a priest and religious a little bit harder!
Take this morning I woke up and checked the news on the internet and there were lots of stories on politics, especially on the controversy with contraception and the Church, the "War on Religion" as some have labeled it. Well, ok it's an important issue, with many voices. I am not sure it is a "war" but I understand the implications, the issues and the struggles.
However as I scrolled down there was a story about Cardinal Edward Egan, the retired cardinal here in New York. I clicked on the story and it was about an interview Cardinal Egan had with a Connecticut magazine published on the magazine’s web site last week. In the interview Cardinal Egan said of the public apology he made at the height of the sex abuse scandal in 2002, “I never should have said that,” and added, “I don’t think we did anything wrong.”
As I said, some days it is very hard being a priest and religious! Now I have never abused anyone. I have never witnessed anyone, child or adult being abused during my time as a religious and priest however I am deeply sorry for everyone who has been abused by priests, religious brothers and religious sisters because they were and are part of who I am as a priest and religious. I know that members my profession, my vocation have abused children and adults. It is something that I will live with the rest of my life and I feel a deep sorrow for all victims. I will feel that sorrow for the rest of my life.
Before I was a priest I was a social worker and for a time I investigated situations of abuse and neglect for the state agency that I worked for. I saw all kinds of abuse and neglect carried out by parents, relatives, siblings, neighbors and strangers. I have always carried a sorrow, a hurt for those neglected and abused especially the children. I never did it but I knew that other human beings had done it and I am a human being!
It is part of being a faith community called religious life, priesthood and church. When one member sins we are all affected by it. We all carry a responsibility for it whether we were there or not! Whether we did it or not! Whether we made decisions about it or not! Whether we knew about it or not! We can debate who is responsible all we want but when we are part of a faith community we share the triumphs, the joys, the sorrows,the struggles, the mistakes and the sinfulness.
For a person of leadership within this faith community to say I take back an apology, to say we did nothing wrong makes it hard to be a priest today! I know that we all say and do things that we regret. That words sometimes come out of our mouths before we think and we would like to take them back, we make mistakes. However, at time I wonder about our leadership especially within the Church. Why does it seem that leadership always has the propensity for "opening mouth and inserting foot?" Is it stupidity? Is it a brain cramp or freeze? Or is it arrogance?
It is interesting in the Gospel for today's mass from Mark, Jesus says that it is not the things that we take in from around us that will hurt us it is the things from within us that come out of us that make or break us. In the list of things that Jesus mentions is arrogance.
Back when the abuse scandal was in full swing I saw something hopeful from Church leadership there was a hint of humility. Even though things were breaking bad everyday I saw this glimmer of hope that things might change. I have to say I have lost sight of that hope. These days I often only see arrogance. That makes me sad.
And so as I began, some days it is hard being a religious and a priest! It is hard to live in the midst of arrogance and insensitivity. It is hard to live with a focus that looks only to what others say, what is outside of us rather than what is inside, what comes out of us.
So to all abuse victims I say I am truly sorry! I am sorry it happened. I am sorry it was a priest, religious that it was another human being who abused you. I am sorry for my Church that made very poor decisions in dealing with it. It is a sorrow that will be with me all my life and I promise I will never take that sorrow back!
Yes, it is hard being a priest and religious some days but it is also a privilege, an honor and a gift. I will continue to battle through the struggles, the ones I make for myself and ones that some of my church's leadership makes for me!
Peace in Christ's Passion...Fr. Paul
