Remembering...

Friends,

These past few weeks have been filled with great emotion.  For those of you who don't know, my mother past way on October 30th after 94 plus years of life.  At first glance one might say, "Hey, 94 plus years, a nice long life, you cannot ask for anything more that that!" You would be right.  My mother had a very good life. There are many wonderful stories and memories about her life from early on as a child growing up in Pittsburgh to her wonderful ministry at St. Edna Parish in Arlington Heights, IL and finally to these last years when she struggled with dementia yet add to all of our lives through her struggles.  She lived life to the fullest, she was a wonderful mother and a gifted woman of faith.  She had her own struggles, her own faults and failings but in the midst of them she touch the lives of many people throughout her life!

As I said above Mom struggle with dementia the last 7 or 8 years and on October 30th there was part of me that was glad she had finally found peace. There was no more confusion, no more struggle to remember.  Yet, I feel guilt about this feeling.  I feel selfish. It was difficult to go and see her sometimes knowing she might not know me or not be able to talk about things that were happening in her life or in the family because she could not remember.  Knowing she would often tell the same story or ask the same question over and over again. It was hard to know that when we would take her out for her birthday she would not remember the celebration, the next day, the next hour or even five minutes later.  Yes, it was hard for me and I find it hard to feel good about my feelings of wanting her to be at peace.

Also in the days and now weeks after her passing my memories often center on the times that I was not the best son that I could have been.  Times as a child when I made life rather difficult for her.  Times when I thought about myself and not about what Mom needed, wanted or deserved.  Times when I just was not present to her in her struggles and difficulties.  Times when I put myself before Mom,  Times when I let her, my dad and my family down because again life was about me!

In the days leading up to Mom's passing as we were sitting around as a family my sister-in-law asked the question, "What is your favorite memory or story about Mom?"  I could not come up with one.  I could not think of a funny story or a special moment.  Mom was Mom.  I would like to think that I feel every moment with her was special, a favorite, but I know that is a cop out.  My mother was a serious woman, who had a determination and purpose to her life.  She wasn't a comedian or jokester.  She didn't have humorous sayings or funny mannerisms. She was a woman of faith, substance and of great love in her own way.

Perhaps being part of the "Greatest Generation" as Tom Brokaw put it defines the purpose and determination of my mother's life.  She was born at the end of WWI and grew up in the decade of the Roaring 20's top off by the Great Depression.  Her young adult life was colored by the stresses and struggles of WWII and then the prosperity of the 50's only to be challenged by the revolutions of the 60's.  She saw many wars or conflicts, assassinations, the growing influence of television and the explosion of technology.  Her life was filled with one era of change after another but through it all Mom stood firm always eager to learn, wanting always to grow and certainly knowing the value of life and the need to work hard.

Mom was a woman who stepped beyond the usual image of the women of her time.  Yes, she was a home maker, a stay at home mom, who never wore pants until the last years of her life.  She was always in a dress whether cleaning the house or entertaining guests and every moment in between.  Mom was always dressed properly and with dignity, respectful of people, places and situations she found herself in. 


Yet, I think of my mother was a woman ahead of her time, a woman who brought respect and dignity to the place of women in the world and in the Church.  Now she did not burn her bra or protest for women's right.  She was not a "women's libber" or a card carrying member of NOW.  But she was a woman who challenged just what and who women are.  She was educated when education for women was not seen as a value.  She went to college as a science major when few if any women were science majors.  Through out her life she sought to learn, understand and be a part of the world and her faith all while taking care of a home and family just like many other women. She was a true maker of the home!

Mom saw her faith as the most valuable part of her life and when she lost Dad it took on a new dimension.  With time now on her hands she made ministry within her local parish a priority.  It was her way of giving back.  It was her way helping others and herself see the grace of God at work in life each day.  Often in my early ministry as a priest I would talk about the fact that I thought my mother did more ministry than I did!  Mom was never the voice of protest in the Church.  She didn't voice an opinion about whether or not the Church should have woman priest or that women should have a more active voice in the Church, she just went about and lived her faith.  Ministering to the sick, the dying and families grieving the loss of a loved one.  She read faithfully at daily mass, she was always ready to help where ever needed.  Her morning walk to and from daily mass was the beginning of her day, it was what started her day much like a first cup of coffee. Once she even got up on Mother's Day and gave a short reflection at mass about being a mother and a woman of faith!


I still have feelings of guilt, of selfishness and I suppose I will always have them. I was not always there for my mother and thank God I had a family who was.  My brother and his family took wonderful care of my mother and my sister and her family while not always able to be there were very important in my mother's life.  I cannot go back and undue any of those moments that come to mind often when I was not the best son that I could have been.  I guest these thoughts and feelings will be with me always.  But I will always remember what Mom taught me and the love she gave me unconditionally.  I will remember her dignity, her determination, her purpose in living life.  I will remember her faith and how she made the grace of God present to me and many others throughout her life.


I have one consultation in the midst of my feelings of guilt and selfishness and that is that I was gifted, honored, privileged and graced to be able to celebrate her funeral mass, to preach the homily and to lay her to rest.  For me as a son and a priest that was the greatest gift I could give to her. I might not be able to call to mind a favorite story about Mom but I will always be able to remember a great woman of faith whom I will always call Mom!



Thanks Mom, for a Wonderful Life!

What Can I Occupy?

Friends in the Passion,

I am not a person who usually complains out loud.  I often think about complaining or commenting about what someone else has written or said, but I rarely write the letter or add the comment. My process is to argue with myself about the issues and problem of faith and life. As I said, rarely do I put my struggles into writing.  However, today I am breaking that rule and writing in search of some answers, though I think I already know the answers.

In a little over a month we as Catholics will begin the use of the Third Typical Edition of the Roman Missal at mass.  It will be a time for all of us, whether priests, deacons, religious or lay to pause, put our heads into the book and learn a new way of celebrating mass together.  On a number of levels this is not a bad idea.  I think it is always good to change, to take a look at what you are doing to see how you might do it a little better, to look at where you might have become a little lax or lazy.  Not having something committed to memory makes you stop and think about what is it you are saying, what it is you are doing and how you are praying.  You might say, we need to check ourselves as priests, deacons, religious and lay people from time to time as we come together to pray.

These are all good things from my point of view.  I can put it on "automatic pilot" just like anyone and that is not the best way to pray, to celebrate.  Throughout my priesthood I have always tried to celebrate the Eucharist like it is my "first" and "last" mass, but I am human and I have failed at times.  So stopping and look at the way I celebrate, pray and lead people in prayer is certainly a good thing!

However, as we have made our way up to this introduction of the Third Typical Edition of the Roman Missal some things have begun to concern me. Recently, a priest from a nearby diocese shared a letter that was sent out by his bishop about the implementation of this edition of the Roman Missal that we will use beginning on the First Sunday of Advent.  From my reading the bishop seemed to be inferring that my generation of priesthood is invalid.  Now, he did not use those words but you can read it underneath the words he does use.  We "experimented," "added" or "changed" words, we took "liberties," we made "alterations."  His words infer that we did not learn it right and that over the last 25 to 50 years we have disrespected the mass by the way we have celebrated it.  As one member of my community said the hierarchy and this new generation of priests think that we are the lost generation of priests!

The rational for these changes is that because of all the abuses by priests of my generation that people wrote into him and complained and it was not just a few.  Really!  Well I have been a priest now for over 25 years and I would have to put the comments in the thousands of people who thanked me for the beautiful, holy, inspiring and meaningful masses that I have celebrated with them.  Why is it that only the complaints are heard by the powers that be?

This school of thought, this way of being church angers me.  I have worked very hard throughout my theological training and after ordination to understand the liturgy, its history, its changes and its place in the life of the Church.  As a Catholic, a Passionist, and a priest, I see the Eucharist as the center of my life.  The rule and constitutions of the Congregation of the Passion call me to deepen my life of faith through the Eucharist.  It is the center of who we are as men of faith, as Passionists.  It puts us in touch with the memory Christ's Passion a charism we have been gifted with remembering and preaching.

I have always been faithful to my vocation as a priest in celebrating the Eucharist with respect, reverence and a deep love.  An older Passionist whom I had the great pleasure of living and working with right after my ordination came to me a few weeks after ordination and he said, "Son, there is not much advice I can give you these days but I will tell you one thing, remember how you felt when you celebrated your first mass a few weeks ago?"  I said, "Yes, I was nervous, excited and awed by the experience!" Then he said, "How would you feel if you knew that your mass tomorrow morning was going to be your last?" I said, "I would want it to be the best mass that I have ever celebrated." He then look at me and said "Whenever you celebrate mass, celebrate like it is your first and last mass!"  I have never forgotten that advice and while I am human, not perfect, each time I find myself ready to celebrate the Eucharist those words come to mind and rest in my heart.

I have never celebrated the Eucharist with disrespect or irreverent.  I greatly value my ordination, my education and my 25 plus years as a Passionist

Secondly, I wish if when the "Top" makes changes that are not consultative that they are transparent enough in telling us why.  My guess is that what this whole movement toward the Third Edition of the Roman Missal has been about is the deconstruction of the Second Vatican Council concerning the liturgy.  The powers that be want the Latin Mass, the communion rail, communion under one species, the mass to be the personal property of the priest, in other words, everything to back the way it was before 1960's.  Well say that! Do not create the hierarchical spin about the authentic translation, a time of renewal, a gift to the church and becoming one again!  We are not one.  We have more special interest groups in the Church these days then you can shake a stick at.  We make special rules for special groups so that they can feel at home.  We go out of our way to do things for groups that really do not want to be a part of the Church, unless of course we do it their way, while pushing others out of the Church.  My advise to the "Top," be honest, I will not like it but at least I will not feel conned!

Finally, if it was so important to make those who love the Latin Mass so comfortable by expanding its use in the Church over the years will there be the same courtesy for those of us who love the mass as we celebrate it now?  Will there be a place or places in each diocese where we can go to celebrate it?  Will it be an option if that is what we feel comfortable with?  After all it is only fair.  You don't want to loose us, right?

Unfortunately, for the most part I do not think the hierarchy cares about me. They have render my priesthood defective, deficient and have devalued my ministry and my life these last 25 years.  Yes, I am angry and probably should not be writing these words but do not worry folks, I will not quit, give up, walk away.  I will do what I am told, I will be a good soldier, because that is what I have always done.  I will get in line and goose step to the changes.  I will also continue to celebrate the Eucharist with reverence, respect, passion and love because I want it to be the gift to the community that Jesus meant it to be.  I will celebrate each and every Eucharist as if it is my first and my last.  It will just be a little harder but I will find a way in spite of them!

However, there is a part of me that would really like to "occupy" something just to get my message heard.  What Can I Occupy?    Peace in Christ's Passion...Fr. Paul

Living in the Moment!

Over the pass three weeks I have learn a lot about myself. Now it was not new learning but what I might call a refresher course.  No, I didn't learn anything new, I guess I just became conscious of certain realities of life because of challenges that I faced.

I was reminded that the body is a very tough but fragile home.  That when it is attacked, wounded, it rushes to the spot and uses all its strength to protect, comfort and heal what has been wounded, but this wound can also change, weaken and disrupt the normal flow, pace and the living of life.

I learned that no matter where or how you hurt, whether it be physical, emotion or spiritual everything else is affected.  Our bodies are a whole, not just individual parts.  If one part has a problem the rest are affected.  St. Paul's words about the body have been very present to me these days, "As a body is one though it has many parts, and all the parts of the body though many, are one body...God has constructed the body as to give greater honor to a part that is without it, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the parts may have the same concern for one another.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it..." (1 Corinthians 12:12-26). Now Paul was not just talking about our human body but also about the Body of Christ, but over these past few weeks the human side of Paul's words have been very present to me.

Now let me put this into context for you.  I will not go into all the details because it will be more than you need to know.  Three weeks ago today I had surgery for a hernia.  Millions of people have this surgery and for many, like me, it is not major or an emergency, it is just something that has to be done, a part of the body that needs some repair.  So you figure, go have it done, get in get out and move on with life just like nothing happened.  But the doctor said something to me the other day that I just had not thought of, what he did in operating on me was wound my body.  Now it was a controlled wound, but a wound!  When one part suffers, all suffer!  My wounded abdomen suffered and as a result the rest of my body suffered too, in many different aways.  My body was forced to change, things got disrupted, thrown off, and all or at least most of the parts where affected.  My life as I try to live it each day was changed, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I now know why people bargin with God when they hurt because I uttered many, "God if you just...I will...for the rest of my life!" over the past few weeks.

I am now profoundly aware for just how great a woman my mother is given all she has gone though over these recent years of her 90+ years life.  Her body has been wounded in many different ways yet she opens her eyes each day and lives as best she can.  My controled little wound pails in comparison yet no matter how small when something about you suffers, you suffer and it takes time, energy, paticence and focus.  It is a reminder of the difficulty that many experience each day because of their struggles, their wounds whether they be physical, emotional or spiritual.  When one suffers, we all suffer if we are truly people of faith!

I think the final thing that I have learned over these past three weeks is that I am not John Wayne, Dirty Harry, Captain Kirk or even Leroy Jethro Gibbs!  Wounds do stop me! When things are not right with me, I am not right! I am fragile, vulnerable and human.  Wounds make me stop and think.  Wounds make me cry.  Wounds make me struggle and not always be my best.  But wounds do heal and when that day comes all of me will share the joy!

Just to update you, I am healing.  I have been cleared to run again, though that part has been a slow process and I am at least back working of the things of life again.  Thanks to all who sent thoughts and prayers...I look forward to my first five mile run soon!

Also over the weekend I watched the Chicago Marathon and kept track of a friend running the Steamtown Marathon in Scranton, PA.  Congrats, to all who ran.  I was truly touched by some of the events of the Chicago Marathon.  It seems that during the race one man died, just 500 yards for the end, but that shortly after the race a baby girls was born to a mother who had run.  The mystery of life that often a marathon reminds us of not always in such a profound ways but none the less marathons are often jounreys into the mystery of life.  My prayers go out to the family and community who lost a son, husband, father, firefighter and friend and to the family who welcomed the gift of new baby girl!

Well friends that is all for now...Peace in Christ's Passion...Fr. Paul

An Instrument of Peace

At prayer this morning on this Feast of St. Francis of Assisi, the great saint of peace, I was thinking about why I run.  One of the reason why I have always like running is that during a running and for a time after I finish I feel a wonderful sense of peace.  Not being able to run these days because of surgery 12 days ago I am missing that peacefulness in my life!

Yes, there are many struggles in running, the occasional hurts and pains.  The trials and tribulations that the environment  can through at you like wind, rain, heat, cold snow, ice, traffic, dogs, other animals, all kinds of natural and human made obstacles and sometimes even people.  But I have to say struggles, trials and tribulations aside my runs are times of peacefulness.

I think you would agree that we are always on the lookout for those moments of peacefulness in life.  Sometimes we find them in things like runs, others times it is the beauty of nature, the gift of friendship, the presence of family, a smile, or an embrace of love.  I have often written about sitting on the roof of the Passionist Spiritual Center in Riverdale, New York during my days as director there and watch the Great Hudson River flow by, those moments were always moments of peace for me.  There are countless ways in which we encounter peace in our life.  Each of us have our own stories, our own places, our own experiences of peace.  And we know that we need to cultivate, remember and be ready for them when they come.  I like to think of peace in the same way as I think of God's grace always there, free and just waiting for our yes! 

St. Francis of Assisi has always been a favorite.  Even though I am a Passionist, I think a lot of what St. Francis was about is what St. Paul of the Cross was about.  They just expressed it and lived it a little differently at different times in history.

I never knew very much about St. Francis, in many ways I only thought of him in the popular way, as a "lover of animals."  But St. Francis is so much more.  A man of wealth and status who gave it all up because of a deep abiding faith.  St. Francis was man who struggle much of his life once he found God and was even rejected by the very community he founded.  Yet, through it all he always seemed to find God's gift of peace.  No matter whether he was battling the struggles of health, community, society or himself, he never found himself far from the gift of peace.  They say that if you go to the town Assisi in Italy there is a profound feeling of peace.  Perhaps someday I be able to go and encounter Francis' spirit of peace.

I have always love the Peace Prayer which is attributed to St. Francis yet we are not really sure whether he actually wrote it.  The earliest record of the prayer is 1912 when it appeared in a small devotional french publication.  It was used during World War I and was first translated in English in 1936 by Kirby Page, who attributed the prayer to St. Francis.  Cardinal Spellman helped to make the prayer popular in the United States during World War II. 

The premise is the prayer is that God will make us the instruments of peace.  That in those moments when there is not peace we will bring it, we will make God's gift recognizable. It is not easy especially in our world today, though if we look at history that is probably true in any age.  Yet, as Christians, as Catholics that is what we are asked to be and do...bring peace to as many moments of life that we can.

On this feast of St. Francis as I sit unable to find those moments of peace through running I offer a prayer for you, where ever you are, and for me that somehow when we most need it the Great Gift of God's Peace will touch our lives and that like St. Francis we will always be willing share it with all we meet!  Peace in Christ's Passion...Fr. Paul

Preacher on the Run Begins!

Friends,

I have decided to start this new blog as a way of sharing my faith, my interest in preaching, running, people and life.  I am hoping that over time I will be able to learn more about my faith, running, preaching, people and life because those who stop by Preacher on the Run will share their thoughts, feeling and faith. 

You don't have to be a runner to stop by or comment.  I will not only share my running adventures, I will share all my adventures and journeys in life.  I will offer reflections on faith, church, family, friendship, preaching, running and life as I experience it and live it.

My hope is to form an online community that can nurture and share its faith and passion for life through the struggles, graces, hopes and joys of life that we encounter each day.

I hope you will join me hear often at Preacher on the Run!

Peace in Christ's Passion...Fr. Paul